why do i feel like this?

i was super chill .. i thought u wouldn't be there ..thivya told me u were studying in KL .. so i thought u would be busy .. thank god ..then i reached penang ..everything was fine i was super chill n all .. we all didn't even sleep the whole night before the prayers ..we were screaming our head off ..sharing ghost stories talking about stuff that kids should not know ..lols(: everything was super fine until saturday 19/09 the next day .. when the swami was doing the prayers ..i suddenly felt scared ..like super scared ..there was nothing 2 be afraid of ..but i didn't know why i felt that way .. then it was my turn to bow down on grandpa's photo .. then .. i felt something .. i lifted my head and .. i saw him ..he was there ..right at the back me ..wanting to bow down too ..i was super shy ..i quickly bow down n ran away .. i was trying to escape from looking or talking to him .. i went to the room and started thinking of a way to make everything seem normal ..i then decided to show my dad the old photos of my late cousin ..then i went to the other room ..and HE was THERE! i was like next to him ..he looked at me .. i was super unstable .. i thought i was gonna fall off.. it was so embarrassing! i then decided to get back to the room and he was outside the room ..he was on his phone ..before even entering the room ..he took few steps away ..felt like it was much RESPECT ..lols(: i dunno why but suddenly im starting to feel him more on me ..i feel like life seems like before after a long time .. i couldn't talk to him because it do be awkward as my cousin's knew my relationship with him before and they kept bullying me .. its complicated ..but i was quite happy enough he noticed me .but the night ..my mind was all on him ..i couldn't understand..why do i feel like this? all i wanna do is tell him how much i love him when he is not with me .. to tell him that when he was there i never appreciated him enough..i need the missing piece of my heart ..very badly .. i wish i could turn things around .. *confession of a fall*